Nov 2, 2012

I’m sad and I keep thinking bad thoughts and I need to stop. It’s okay to be sad about something that was meaningful to me. It’s okay for me to operate at 50% for a while and for me to need to take cry breaks and ask my friends to hug me all the time. It’s okay. I would do the same thing for them. I don’t need to apologize to them or to myself.

Also I need to eat enough today. I burst into tears in the middle of the cafeteria yesterday during lunch and had to leave before I was able to get food. So I skipped lunch.

This is exhausting. It’ll get better, but right now it really hurts and I know she hurts too and we just want to be together and it’s not possible. It was the best thing that we could have done because she needs to be safe and healthy but it’s fucking impossible to feel good about it now.

Nov 1, 2012

Hey guys. 

It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated or even looked at any of your blogs.

I met a girl, and then we broke up yesterday and I’m still reeling. It’s complicated because we broke up because she got sick and it’s too hard for her to get well and be in a relationship at the same time. And part of caring about people is letting them go if it will help them be well. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I feel like my heart is splitting. I know it will get better but it is unbelievably painful right now.

I have a history of stress and sad-eating, and I know it won’t help. It’s still complicated and it still hurts but I think making sure I have safe and healthy habits is the best thing I can do for myself right now.

I can tell that I’ve been getting out of shape, and I remember how much I loved feeling strong and fast at the beginning of the summer. I think it will be a good, productive project for me and a desperately-needed distraction from being sad.

So I’m going to be posting occasional updates.

I don’t want to establish too many goals too fast and get overwhelmed, so I’m going to start small:

  • drink 3 liters of water a day
  • drink at least 1 cup of tea a day
  • go to the gym 4x/week
  • only special desserts, like birthday cake or creme brûlée
  • be careful with alcohol
  • use my support systems when i need them (friends, parents, etc)
  • let myself feel things, even if they’re hard and they make me cry
  • give myself time to process and be sad 
  • be nice to myself
  • be nice to myself
  • be nice to myself
  • be nice to myself
Sep 15, 2012

sleeeeepy day.

Sep 14, 2012

I didn’t realize I was wearing all black until I was sitting in class.

It’s an unusual look for me but I like it.

Sep 13, 2012

I’ve been neglecting you guys.

Here’s my face.

Sep 13, 2012

WIW

(a day late)

Last week: 188.8

This week: 186.0

Wooooo!

Sep 7, 2012

I look pretty good today.

Sep 7, 2012

talking with people? with words?

I pretended to be a jellyfish when I saw my friend at lunch.

He laughed and then asked, “You’re having some trouble with interactions today, aren’t you?”.

Yes.

Sep 6, 2012

Anybody else have ridiculous photobooth modeling sessions after they finish a good workout?

Just me?

Okay. 

Sep 5, 2012

WIW

Last week: 188.8

This week: 188.8

Next week I’ll lose, for sure. My hard work has to show at some point.

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I'm a college student. I like to cook, bike, travel, lift weights, and dance to Manu Chao. Follow me on my journey to a strong and lean body. Subscribe via RSS.